I think it is more of an editorial piece, but I will share. It came to me as if I were writing for some garden magazine or newspaper. An attempt to persuade, I suppose. Whether you are on board or not...
If you are growing a garden, any plants, odds are you are raising pests as well. And you probably hate them for destroying your hard work and vision of "your garden." You didn't hope for a row of holey lettuce and headless sunflowers, but now that you have them, your anger spurns you to torture the thoughtless, cruel organisms devouring your photosynthesizing babies.
I used to hate snails. I could step on them and throw them to the eucalyptus park across the street. There were hundreds in the garden. Every time I put the last pat of earth over some glorious new roots, I felt not only happy satisfaction, but anxious tension that some land mollusk troop would slide on over for a feast. This is what I call a problem. Everyone I know complains about it and everyone continues to reach for a way to kill or ignore this perceived enemy.
Sure, chickens. We have them. And they do eat so many pests. If you can go this route, do. They are great pets and their eggs are free range. But again, not all people want chickens, and wild birds just can't get all the newborn slugs and snails; these hermaphrodites are quick to procreate. As slow movers, they need some defense against predators, so they reproduce constantly in a numbers battle against speed.
And that brings me to us humans. When did we rise above consuming garden mollusks? Related to clams, mussels, and oysters, so highly valued as delicacies, snails and slugs are overlooked by mainstream American society. We are fools for neglecting our backyard bounty! With gas costing $4+/gallon, and grocery prices soaring, why not do some backyard exploring? (Dr. Seuss influence)
If you read all the websites talking about chemical and physical warfare against these invertebrates, you might actually believe they are hard to catch. They are not. Hand collection is the number one method for reducing their populations. When I became Miss Snail Pail in 2004 (not a pageant), I enjoyed swinging my pail of helix aspersa, also known as the petits gris. I maintained my prejudice against the sleek slug. Not only by name, but also appearance, I was discriminating against the shell-less gastropods. I preferred to await my Slug Thug to drown them in beer. When he arrived, we were sure to embody our own personal mythology:
Miss Snail Pail collects snails. She purges them and prepares them so to feast.
By this practice, she honors the cycle of life and death that is natural and necessary
for survival. Slug Thug nefariously drowns them in a mug of beer. He swills the beer and lets the slugs die a sad, useless death in his bottomless mug of hate.
Oh maybe a bit heavy handed, but aren't mythologies all about the contrasts and drama of nature?
And here I sit, on my little uncomfortable throne, the kind I remember my mom sitting on to apply make-up when I was a little girl talking to her while she was getting ready for a night out with dad. The wood is hard and flat and squashing my ass, yet I need to let you know, all garden mollusks deserve the mercy of our murderous ways. If we must kill them, why not let them nourish us and give us their protein-rich strength? This chain links us with the truth: we are natural. Hunting and gathering for whole foods is still possible. When we speak of sustainable energy, are we really just talking about fueling our cars, computers, lights, and coffee pots? Can we afford to forget our bodies, minds and spirits?
Miss Snail Pail says: Eat your garden mollusks and you will feed your soul!!
If you live in Portland, OR, I am looking for your garden mollusks. Please put them in an empty plastic container: yogurt, cd's, ...and make some slits for air. Label with the date of collection and location. I want to do some tissue analysis to determine the nutrients. Also see if there are harmful amounts of pollutants. Seems like snails are "food" by most, but I think slugs will take a bit more sneers, so best to get the data.
Do you have a lab? Connections? That is my next challenge. To find an affordable way to test the tissue. It is expensive and I hope that I can get some funding or find someone who wants to help with this food science. If slugs are indicators of heavy metals (lead, arsenic,cadmium), that is important scientific data. I am sure the Fish and Wildlife will want to find out, don't you think?
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If you haven't already done so, see if you can get in touch with Dr. Tim Pearce, Assistant Curator and Head, Section of Mollusks, Carnegie Museum of Natural History, Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania. He knows how to prepare slugs and can tell you all you need to know about slug anatomy, pathology, toxins, etc. Having eaten slugs, he has also gotten beyond the Ewww factor. Like you, he sees the common sense of treating slugs like any other mollusk.
One thing I can tell you is that dozens of people wonder about eating slugs -- I've had all sorts of people google my blog with this question, from all over the world. One idea I've toyed with is a 'fruits of the garden' restaurant. Lots of people don't know that you can eat common garden inhabitants like nasturtiums, dandelions, ground elder, stinging nettles, and so much more (including slugs). You could have a gorgeous organic garden with all sorts of tasty, traditional plants, and one by one you could introduce these new 'taste sensations' to the menu. If you marketed it well and did it in a university town, I'm betting you could make a go of it. In a really radical place, you could even name your restaurant something trendy like 'The Biter Bit.'
You have my profound respect, and if I ever HAVE to eat slugs, I will join you.
Colleen, Miss Snail Pail is custom made to do a TED talk. I don't know if they let you apply to do one, but if so, you should do it.
Wow, thanks, Rex. That reminds me, I need to get on that TED fellowship attendance application!! It is due on the 30th. Will you be a reference? And an editor? co-author? I often get mired in my own cliches and tangential trips, but with a supportive excellent author, I think I can revise to something original. Always worth the shot...
Sure, but TED likes non-linear speakers anyway.
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